1 years 8 months 22 days. the clock has stopped.moments after the clock struck 12, christmas has arrived. and so did the end.
i gave up. she won. speaking of which, when did i ever win? i was always the one giving in. now it backfired. cant blame her in anyways. its all in my part. itp brought the distance further and further away. and soon the reception was lost.
its amazing how much things could change within 24 hours. or maybe it was longer before, but she didn't show any signs. although i can feel it, i kept lying to myself just to make myself fall asleep. actually it's been one whole week. ever since she had that unlimited sms thing, there were things wrong. yesterday night i walked her home, everything was as per normal. but i couldn't feel her there anymore.
i've got so much things to say, if only i could just attach my heart into this post, then u can see entirely how i feel.
bought a xmas present for her last week, preparing to give it to her. its the first time giving something to her was that difficult. i finally did it after so many persuasion to give me a minute. thought she would like it. but im not so sure now.
i've learnt a lot this 1 year and 8 months. i've learnt that "forever" doesnt really mean forever. its all lies. which broke my heart. the scar will be there forever. i will never forget.
looking at my wallpaper on my phone just now, decided to have a change. looked through the default wallpapers and nothing interested me. so on the train, i give my photo library a look. i couldn't bear to see it at all. 90% of the photos has her in the meaning of it. as i scrolled slowly down, tears start to build up. i had a glance of what we have been through the past year. her birthday, valentine's day, even some random shots of her wearing formal in school was also inside. im wrecked. i couldn't pick any of them. i just couldn't. all the memories we had, all there, and now, they have become memories. memories that i shall never forget. the day we wore until so nice to go to east coast park was unforgettable. and the photo album for her birthday present is probably just junk to her now. i was even thinking about continuing the album. looks like i can forget it already.
the fond memories that we had. the first lunch with her mum. the first dinner with my mum. the hugs we had when she didn't wanna go to work. and the morning that started everything. 03/04/08. all these, and many more, will not be erased from my mind, until the day i die. it hurts when i have to fall so hard on my first time in love. i've realised how much pain people have suffered. all the time i spend tell her how much i love her. its all being thrown into the bin.
the way we talked on the phone every night. even though there's nothing much to talk about, it was fun to talk about absolutely nothing at all. now everynight i will have to pretend to call myself and go to sleep. i cant sleep without giving her a call.
for once i wish she would know how i feel. being a boyfriend whose girlfriend is at some other guy's house taking a nap. so many other things. i feel i had no control over my girlfriend at all. she knows that we r breaking apart, but why is it that she doesn't look like she gives a damn? nobody will know how bad that feels. behaves everything like normal, but in reality, nothing is normal. its too late now i guess..
as im typing, im hoping that things will turn around. i still dont wanna lose her.. :( my worst nightmare has come true. hais.
im really tired. tired of trying all i can this entire week. there's so much more for me to say. but i need some sleep. i'll continue tommorrow.
wishinguponastar,makeusbackthewayweare.
我会学着放弃你 , 是因为我太爱你
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