(seems like cannot continue from the previous post, post a new one to continue)
today its christmas. i woke up with wet pillows and blurry eyes. i wish i could just sleep forever, now that she's gone. i had no aim to wake up in the morning for. usually i will wake up thinking of her and then jump out of bed happily. but its no longer the same anymore.
my plans for next week is useless now. had actually wanted to accompany her after her work everyday. now looks like its not my job anymore.
i could still vividly remember the way she treated me on the night of christmas eve. my presence to her was extra. which made her turn into bad mood. i still dont know why im still so concerned over her. even till now. so i just left, seeing that she will be happier with him.
during my sleep yesterday, i was thinking of so many things. all the times we spend together. i cant believe that they are just gone like that. what a nice way to end this thing. i will always miss the time we spend together. i will remember the first moment that my feelings came out was her lying on my shoulder while doing our mathematics project in 2007/08. i still remember jan was our last member. but at that time where was he? haha.. memorable indeed.
this blog was started solely for the reason for expressing my feeling for her. on the janauary of 2008. the days during then was the direct opposite of what im suffering today. i feel so much more pain than then. if just looking the the month, this blog is 2 years old already. looks like the whole journey ended here.
i left yesterday night because i want her to have a happy christmas. i dont want her to be so down because of me. so i took the pain and walked away. just hoping to bring a smile to her face. without me around, she will definitely be happier.
there's one thing i really want to know. why is she behaving this way? i hope one day she will tell me. she keeps pretending nothing is wrong, it makes me very fished up. maybe i did somthing wrong. or maybe her feeling for me jus faded.
santa claus didn't visit me this christmas. i didn't get anything good. all i get is this suffocating feeling. the way she pretended, was choking. next time she wans to do it, she should just say it to the face and stop avoiding.
im still thinking about the last kiss we had. was it even a kiss? it was only 24 hours ago. it was all fake? the way she held my hand. was it also fake? now i don't know whats real anymore. i can't believe they were all lies. i didn't know she was such a good heart breaker. i thought she was afraid i was the one letting her go. but it turned out to be the other way.
im jus a geek. who studies and stays in front of my laptop everyday. how can be compared? probably im no longer the kind of guy that she is interested in.
memories just kept flashing in my mind. i dare not to even go out of my room. tears might just suddenly burst out from my eyes. if i go out, i will see the pig that i've caught for her. and what happen to the times we spend trying to catch dolls that she liked. looks like she jus found someone better.
so what am i supposed to do with all the pictures of me and her in my picture folder? im looking at the picture of the nicest flowers i bought for her. together with 3 rochers. and the only time we wore a couple tee. looks like there wont be a second time. hey look, its her hamsters. wonder how they're doing. i rmb the time when im so afraid of them. haha..
the sweet sweet love i will never forget. the first "love" message she sent me. i remember it clearly i was in toapayoh library doing project with yu and khee. and this is the message : "Loves <3".>all the iloveyou you said to me. i will keep them in my heart. no one has ever loved me so much before. looks like now the special one for me has left me. i've lost my directions. where do i go next? i wish she was still here. now im broken into pieces. normally i wont give up so easily. but the way she treat me like invisible is too hurting for me to handle. now you wanna be free, and i'll let you fly. you'll always be a part of me. you'll always be my baby. even though in ur heart its not at all. just hoping someday you will come back. :(
i miss the times where u would call me names. from assdumb to all kind of names that you think suited me. i will miss the times where u call me bibi~ bibi~. it makes me so happy. all the touching moments i have had with you. seemed all so far away. the headset you bought for me, everytime i use it, i will remember the days we had. the psp you got for me, i will always rmb the amount of trouble we spent trying to settle that situation.
been practicing my guitar. learning the song an jing. hoping someday i can sing it to you. its not possible now. as i play the song. jus looking at the lyrics makes me cry. hais. now totally no mood for anything. pls come back... :'(
yesterday night i walked home alone. took small steps. no point going fast. she's not going to be online. stared up into the night sky. there were stars. reminded me of the promise that one night, she will be with me lying on the ground looking at the sky. it never did happen. promises are jus meant to be broken. maybe this kind of happiness is just not meant for me.
i usually did not have any control. now when i tried to take control, everything get screwed. i dont know. but ever since you have been with him, you've changed. who noes what he fed u with. i dont know who u r anymore. i miss the old you . hais.
take my hand never let go. but u let go-ed.
hais. she's gone. im left with my bone.
yin wei wo tai ai ni..
